Thoughts on Mental Health

I never recognized the importance of stress management until I found that I couldn't manage my stress. Panic attacks in the middle of the day, a rapid heartbeat, and my overactive imagination slotted me for a double diagnosis of panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, along with a variety of digestive. Mental health is a hot topic right now, and in some ways I hate that. I dislike that anyone can claim to be anxious and get a prescription. I dislike that people use the phrase "panic attack" so lightly. I hate that when I go to my psychiatrist, I feel embarrassed to be there, as if someone with some other physical ailment is more deserving of a visit to the doctor. 

And then there's the pills. As a person who suffers from anxiety and panic disorders, starting a new medicine that could help me seems just as frightening as never getting my symptoms under control. I have to do something that scares me to get relief, and that is frustrated. It makes me jealous of people who could do something to change their diagnosis like get on the treadmill a few times a week and stop going through the drive-thru.

At the same time, I feel immense sympathy for anyone suffering from a chronic disease, whether they contributed to it themselves or not, Some may argue that if I'd just relax, I wouldn't have so many symptoms. I'm not sure if that's true, but I would tell that person that my body doesn't allow me to relax. Maybe there is something I could be doing differently to improve my condition, but I haven't figured out what that is yet. 

What's worse is the symptoms. The stomach aches, the constant heartburn, the sweaty palms and dizzy spells. The isolation, fear, and constant worry that you can't kick no matter what you do. aHave you ever felt like you have multiple channels in your mind, and at least one oft hose channels is permanently set on showing you images or giving you thoughts of the things you fear most? Sometimes that's what anxiety is like for me. If my mind is a super-highway, at least one lane is always anxious. If I'm having a panic attack, maybe seven lanes are buzzing around, warning me of my own imminent demise. 

During particularly tough times, my ability to communicate is limited. Especially if you're a working individual suffering with anxiety, you understand the amount of effort it takes to physically and emotionally function around so many other people. This fact makes my personal relationships suffer, especially in my marriage. My husband cannot see my pain, as much as I wish he could. He doesn't feel my heartburn, my stomach aches, my fast-beating heart and the horrible images in my head. He doesn't wake up with nightmares in which I am subject to the scenarios I am desperately trying to escape in real life. I wish that he could see what I'm going through so he could understand why I'm sometimes short-tempered, too-tired, or in need of alone time.

I feel like a no-good person sometimes because of how I act as a result of my condition. I need to work on so many things, including positivity, self-love, and restfulness. My thoughts on mental health are consistently changing and growing as a result of each new day with a diagnosis. I never know what's going to come up, so I cannot usually predict my symptoms. It's not something that I can control, although I wish it was.

I hope that if you are suffering from a mental illness, you know that your symptoms are unique, and that I stand with you for a release of your pain. 

I don't plan to discuss this topic very frequently here on my blog, but I wanted to put it out there as authentically as possible. This is what I'm going through right now, so this is what I'm choosing to post.

I hope you are having a day filled with true happiness.

All my love,

Nila